No handbook for mayhem.

Oh God, this is going to be so hard.  I feel like there is so many sad stories to be told in the world that it doesn’t need another one to be heard.   I will try my best to weave in whatever silver linings I can add to my tales.  I plan to skip around because in my mind that is how they live; all jumbled around ready to be triggered by sometimes the smallest of gestures.

This feels like surgery without anesthesia but I need to just start somewhere.   The beginning seems too daunting a task but as I know it would explain how I got here from there something is urging me to start with what I think has hurt me the worst.  Those moments that changed my perspective on life forever.

You know when you are carrying something delicate and suddenly you find yourself tripping over a stray object all while praying you can protect your treasure but on your way down it’s still a 50/50 chance… no time to think it all happens so fast and you are relying on your instinct or reaction time to break the fall.   This is what the last 5 years of my marriage was like.  Never saw a freak show in the cards but as I started to fall, with no handbook to seek guidance from, I just did what i had to do in the moment.  And I always listened to my heart.

Well, the heart sometimes doesn’t give you most comfortable answers.  No doubt they were of a higher caliber but I won’t lie, the fall hurt me and many of those around me.   I suppose it all turned out okay but then again, I am not who I once was after so much wear and tear.

Hello my name is ____ & I am avoiding my past.

Untitled Blog Post Name

Ya think?  High hopes I had of letting it all flow from my agile fingertips only to find weeks going by and still I am hesitant.   I am going to do my very best to clog the net with all my words today because I am tired of going to bed at nite with the nagging thought “ I really need to work on my blog tomorrow” and it wasn’t happinin.  

On a good note, I have tackled tasks which I usually avoid doing until it is necessary so as you can see, my sneaky little brain was helping me to avoid “The Blog”.   This I have been doing unconsciously and it didn’t come to the forefront until my son came over and said “wow, you cleaned the junk drawer in the kitchen?….What’s up with that?”

So I need to start implementing the mindset whereas this blog is to be looked at as a positive step towards finally getting various crap out from hiding places that underhandedly effect my life here and there.  Just because I don’t like to talk about it doesn’t mean it isn’t lurking in the shadows ready to chime in and make me feel less than harmonious.   I have tried everything else so since I type about 90 wpm, not even my WP skills can I use as an excuse.

 The reason I don’t seek any sort of therapy for my various “quirks” (that being my new talent for avoiding people and public places) is because I wasn’t always this way and I am not depressed.   Takes quite a bomb going off for me to get all riled up and I am kind of a semi health nut so I don’t like taking drugs or drink.  It’s everyone around me that for some reason thinks that I am insane for wanting to stay in all weekend so I hear the infamous “you should go talk to somebody if your having a hard time getting back out in the world again….”

Sitting in a room full of stale despondent energy talking about how stupid I was to place vast amounts of trust and love into people who enjoyed the act of betraying me sounds like a recipe for going home and crying myself to sleep.   My thinking is how can someone help me when then haven’t walked in my shoes.   

Anyway, I am sure many are helped but I do know that many people have thought therapy is just a quick fix and as the days go by, an appt is perhaps missed, the same ole issues will find there way back on to the table.  

I am not sure there is any ONE solution to fixing the effects of “when bad things happen to good people”.    As far as I am concerned, time is the greatest healer of all.   Even scars become less visible on the body over the years, well, it’s the same for the ones that no one can see.  At least it has “seemed” that way to me and how my own personal pain has lessoned over the years.   

But, I will say this, if you ignore the pain instead of seeing why it came to your life in the first place, you will be gifted with the same sort of situations over and over.   

Throughout my journey I have come to the realization that some of the most selfish people, the ones who you would never suspect are the ones who are the most dangerous.    (i.e..  “he was such a nice quiet man…I can’t believe he had all those bodies in the basement”…that’s kinda funny I know but its really the sad state of our world) 

Well, my life hasn’t been that extreme but then again I do have some stories which would curl a persons hair.   To this day I am rather surprised at myself for getting thru it with at least my sanity, it was touch and go, but I think last I checked, I still have my wits about me.

INTENTION IS EVERYTHING

Granted it is a given that sooner or later everyone gets betrayed in some way, especially by someone they love, but in my view, the way I react is directly related to the state of mind they were in at the time. I will leave judgement out as long as the act was NOT premeditated. Everyone has their moments, eh? This is where my life is divided and while I have a warehouse full of shit heaped upon me, more than most (trust me) but there are very few of these people who I can actually say “yes, I know they wanted to hurt me and felt good about it when they did”.These people are the ones who took my childlike love of life and while my heart is not closed, it is only open to a select few.

These are the people who opened my eyes to the world of the ones without conscience. The ones who wear a mask and hide behind the charm. The ones who made me decided to find the truth of this world and why so many of the innocent are suffering. The ones who will go thru your life like a human tornado and once it’s over, once you are on to them, they run and never look back. No thought of redemption will ever enter their minds. These are the ones I wish I could put on a rocket ship and send to the moon. THE ONES I WISH TO EXPOSE.

In trying to figure out how to outline all the crazy stories I need to tell (even to myself) I have decided to start with the worst and work my way to the moments which when all added together has made me who I am today. Who am I? I am me with WALLS.

They said if I wrote it all down…

it may be possible to leave it all here instead of having it float around in my head day in, day out.     Anyone who may land here may think me bitter but nothing could be further from the truth.     But….it is…all truth.  Nothing but the facts of a past history which I keep locked inside and only share, until now, with those who are closest to me.  For now I will change the names to protect the loved ones of the not-so-innocent.

Whenever someone asks me about my past, I tend to change the subject.   To hear my stories and imagine what I must be like one word will come to mind….broken…..hence the reason I tend to be as evasive as I am allowed.     There is nothing wrong with me and everything wrong with this world.

My heart is too trusting, too willing to find goodness in people and as a result, I paid a heavy price.    If I had to sum up who I am to someone I suppose “freak of nature” is the closest I can come to describing the big picture.   Nothing in my life has been ordinary but certainly not extraordinary by my perspective.

That small voice which has guided me the whole way was finally tugging at me to finally write it all down….leave a record just in case someday I need to look back and see how far I have come.

I have no grand plan but as these memories rise to the surface I will give them life one more time and be done with it.